5 Reasons Why We Don’t Get What We Want

Self sabotage is such a fun topic, am I right? All the reasons why I ruin my own life and break my own heart. I joke, but the truth is that self sabotage is a learned behavior. It is something of a trauma response that we pick up as children to NOT achieve our goals. This may be because (1) we learned that the consequence is a perceived threat (i.e. — don’t outshine your sister!). And (2) not having this thing is how we secretly want to remain (i.e. — when my life is in chaos my parents come to my aid giving me the love and attention I desire).

We make wild plans in our minds weaving ideas and people and money and travel together to create the perfect human existence.

I will be happy when … I will feel successful when … I will have love when … All of these desires and goals are meant to be ours. We are supposed to prosper and be the best version of ourselves. But the cosmic joke is that to have all the beauty life has to offers, we must fight our darkness.

Can’t I have it all and not battle my demons to one of our bloody deaths? I would argue that NO — this is a pivotal moment in everyone’s life journey that has the power to innovate the mind and change the trajectory of your life forever. And without this, you’re REAL desire will continue to be “I don’t want to achieve my goal or have this thing.”

You are probably wondering, why the hell would I want to NOT achieve my goals?

Here are the 5 reasons why we don’t get what we want:

1. We have a conflicting subconscious belief. If you learned as a child that people with a lot of money are greedy dickwads and you would never want to be a greedy dickwad then your subconscious mind will ensure you never become one by keeping you in lack.

2. You care more about what others think than having what you want. What will people think if I do this or do that? How will that make me look? Who will judge me? What will random losers on the internet think of my work?
   I always remind myself of this quote by Brené Brown…“If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback. There are a million cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never be brave with their own lives, but will spend every ounce of energy they have hurling advice and judgement at those of us trying to dare greatly. Their only contributions are criticism, cynicism, and fear-mongering. If you’re criticizing from a place where you’re not also putting yourself on the line, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

3. Your fear of failure is greater than your fear of staying the same. This is something Tony Robbins talks about a lot. As humans we find it difficult to make any kind of lasting change in our lives until the pain of staying exactly where we are forever and ever is greater than the pain of change. We don’t have to hit rock bottom to make a change, to be courageous, to make the move. We just have to decide that the journey may be worth the failed outcome. And the successful outcome may be worth the uncomfortable journey.

4. Your comfort zone is your pleasure zone. I wrote this article about choosing to stay in comfort versus in magic. It’s important to note that this isn’t always a conscious choice. As humans we are wired to choose safety and comfort because we know what to expect there. We already know how to handle it. We know how to survive. Going out of that comfort zone feels risky, but is it? Because that thing you want most is definitely not in your comfort zone, or else you’d already have it.

5. You make a case for our limitations rather than our desires. It’s kind of fucked up to think about but most people would rather make excuses to justify their limitations than fight for their desires. Stop letting your PERCEIVED limitations run your life. Most of them are not even real but stories we’ve told ourselves to stay small.

Here’s a bonus that I heard Gary Vee say once .. something to the effect of “it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you aren’t educated on it, yet.” Spend the time to learn, become self aware, decide, and take uncomfortable action.

Self sabotage spans far and wide and we humans are quite creative in the tactics that we use to hold ourselves back.

It takes a great deal of self awareness to notice our patterns and even GREATER courage to make a change. But people do it every damn day.

PS — I recently read this great book if you want to look into self sabotage a bit further (affiliate link).

DANNA YAHAV